Sometimes when I’m trolling the Internet, I come across some real gems. This blog entry has been floating around various blogs on MySpace for a few months and every entry I’ve found so far has started with “NO, I did not write this” so I’m having trouble tracing the original author. The only clue is that it’s written by someone named Genevieve and signed as ‘Gen, the angry Asian girl’. It’s a real crack up and it literally made me laugh out loud.
So the other day, I went out on a date with a man. A White Man. THE MAN for my revolutionary brothers and sisters. So anyway, as I’m out on a date this man, he’s telling me about his ex girlfriend, and he prefaces it with saying “so my ex-girlfriend, she’s Korean.” …and so on and so forth. It starts to hit me, and I’m trapped, and I don’t know what to do short of, throw my salad against the wall to cause a diversion and run for the door.
Genevieve, I say to myself, because that’s my name, you’re with a Rice King. Stay Calm and try not to act overtly Asian and inadvertently getting him aroused.
Rice King see Asian Fever, see Yellow Fever, see Asian Fetish, see G.I. Joe.
After he drones on about his car, a new convertible beamer with some type of flecked paint and expensive rims (strike one,) about his job as a radio promo guy for a record label, I’ve got the best job in the world!, (strike two,) about his ex-girlfriend, she’s Korean, if you didn’t already know (strike three) he begins to tell me about his LOVE of Asian culture. YOU’RE OUT!
He then proceeds to tell me that it’s not that he has an Asian Fetish, per se, (Insert image of overly-tanned, beamer-owning, Radio Promo Guy, with Asian Fetish doing the universal sign for quotation marks here.) It’s just that I LOVE Asian culture SO MUCH, I mean, I even bought a 6 hour special on PBS about Chinese History. Do you know the oppression that the Chinese have been through with (so and so) and (so and so) and then (something else) happened. It’s so rich. I just really need to be with someone who understands it. I mean, I probably know more about Asian History than the average Asian American but it’s important to me that Asian history is something the person i’m with wants to learn about.
(Me. Gaping open mouth. Inability to contribute to conversation for the first time in the history of Asian Man.)
Here the clincher. Also I just don’t find your typical American White or European woman attractive. Asian and Latin women are soo.
You guessed it. The E word.
Me: Wow, look at the time. It was nice having dinner with you. Lets talk sometime in say, the year of the dog.
Ok I didn’t really say that, but how great would it be?
So then, I go out on a date with a whole other different guy. Yes, white. Who’s really great so I’ll try to not rip on him so much. He’s a divorcee and he was married to a Japanese woman. They met while he was teaching ESL (English as a Second Language.) Six years later they divorce. Why did they divorce? Because she never bothered to learn English. She always spoke a badly broken form of English.
So I’m trying to figure out if I’m attracting Asian Fetishists because I am Asian or is Asian Fetishists are attracted to me because I am Asian. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Or am I a White Boy fetishist? Or maybe I have Asian Fetishists Fetish. And is it only an Asian Fetish because the man is not Asian himself? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I just really hope this whole Asian-thing is a phase. Like Trucker hats and Ugg Boots.
But for you Asian Fetishists out there, here are some guidelines:
1) Don’t blow your entire knowledge of the (Insert appropriate Asian dialect or language here) on us. We are not impressed that you know how to say “Hi, I Love you and you’re beautiful” in Cantonese or Tagalog or Japanese. Those are the phrases you need to know if you’re propositioning a prostitute in their country or origin. Guess what guys, we speak PERFECT English. In fact, we speak Engrish BEDDY GOOD. PLEASE TO TALK TO US IN ENGRISH.
2) Don’t tell me you love (reading of menu from a Chinese restaurant here) but give me the only American-friendly options like: Chow Mein, Fried Rice, Won Ton. We have a lot more than three dishes guys. And no, I won’t cook for your ass. So don’t ask.
3) Don’t give me a history lesson on my culture. I don’t go around telling you about the Revolutionary War and the Declaration of Independence.
4) Please don’t call us EXOTIC. I’ll hurt you. I swear I will.
5) Please don’t get tattoos of our words and phrases on your body. If you want to eternally communicate Strong Bold Persevere or what have you on your body, Old English letters and cursive is so nice. Plus half the time, SURPRISE! You’ve actually just tattooed something stupid on yourself like HARD LARGE or SUSTAIN. ALSO, guess what? YOU’RE NOT CHINESE!
6) Its not special that you know how to use chop sticks. Over 1 billion people in one country alone know how to use chopsticks and they learned them at about the time you were using a sippy cup.
7) Don’t advertise your Asian Fetish by telling us about your Asian exs. We WANT to date you, but it makes it hard when we can’t help but feel were taking part of your geisha girl fantasies. It’s a free country, you can have your Asian Fetish, and I can have my choking fetish and we can all live together side by side. Just don’t tell me about it. If you do we can’t help but be conflicted. Does he like me cos I’m Asian? Or does he like me because of me? Does he like me because of my slanty eyes? Or does he like me because of ME? Is he trying to figure out if my slit is sideways? Or is it ME? Guess what guys, if I’m out with you, chances are you’re well on your way to laidville. Half the battle is already won. You don’t need to make me feel special by expressing your love of my culture. And you’ll increase your chances of me and you doing the funky monkey dance ten-fold if you keep your Asian Fetish where it belongs. In the closet.
Gen the Angry Asian Girl.