You suck at faking an online profile: Volume #1

My name is Pat and you suck at faking an online profile because you’re an f-ing retard and you make me sick and I going to throw up. Today’s lesson is simple and I picked a simple profile to show you how you can really ‘f’ things up because you are such an idiot you don’t even know how stupid you are.

My name is Pat and you suck at faking an online profile because you’re an f-ing retard and you make me sick and I going to throw up. Today’s lesson is simple and I picked a simple profile to show you how you can really ‘F’ things up because you are such an idiot you don’t even know how stupid you are.

So let’s say you are a lonely, bald, overweight social reject living in your parent’s basement. You have no friends and women run the other way at the sight of you approaching them at Walmart with your khaki shorts and clogs complete with knee high cotton socks. What are you going to do to meet women? Well you’re probably thinking you should make a photographer’s profile on Model Mayhem so you can meet hot chicks. But the problem is that you’re not a photographer and you don’t know the first thing about photography. No problem you say. I’ll just jack some pictures off the internet and put it on a profile. I can make up some F’d up name like Iconix Studio based in St. Louise, Missouri (just as an example of course). I mean who the ‘F is going to know in this middle of a nowhere city away from all the major photography markets in the U.S?

OK. So you have to write something in the profile. You can keep it simple and low key or you can make some shit up and make your sorry life look like it’s worth living. I mean you’ve failed at everything so far, including the time you tried to commit suicide by cutting your wrist with an electric razor. Why not embellish a little to boost your sorry ass ego. So let’s put something like:

My work is an expression of artistic and creative vision. I am inspired by the natural beauty I see around me.

My experience extends 20 years as a commercial and professional photographer. My award winning productions have graced a number of commercial Ads and print.

As primary owner of Iconix Studio I am further able to refine and explore a wide variety of commercial and artistic styles. Iconix Studio works with top industry advertising agencies in the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Germany, Brazil and Australia to fulfill their creative design and photographic efforts.

I mean who cares if you have nothing to show for all these award winning productions. Tear sheets? What the hell are those? Let’s kick it up a notch and claim international work with top agencies. Is anyone going to really Google you and find there’s nothing worthwhile to the name of Iconix Studio? Nah that would never happen.

Hmmm…not good enough. You’re thinking you need to lure in some models so you need to offer some model management services. Let’s put in some buzz words to hook some models.

For the model, I provide an opportunity to start your portfolio, expand your work and potential opportunities. Whether you are looking to bolster your current body of work or seek commercial success, I am able to assist in your en devours.

I work with a number of select agencies and production houses to insure that all work is reviewed, give artistic and commercial consideration with the utmost attention to quality.

As modeling is highly competitive, I go above and beyond to insure the broadest capabilities and full dynamic range of a model is captured.

Yeah. That’s the ticket. You can close by telling everyone you do a shit load of free shoots. I mean there must be an abundance of Myspace wannabe models in St. Louise lining up to take advantage of free shoots.

For models starting out or those just looking to expand their portfolio, I will engage in TFP. I am committed to at least 4 to 6 TFP sessions per month to assist models in rapid career growth. After all, we all have to start out somewhere and grow as our capabilities expand.

OK, profile complete. Looks pretty good too. Doesn’t it look professional? (click on image to enlarge)

This ought to do it but here’s the problem. Where are you going to find some pictures to put in the portfolio? Well maybe you can look around Model Mayhem and lift some off other photographer’s or model’s profile. The ideal thing to do would be to find some no name photographer in the middle of Siberia who has not logged in for 2 years and lift those pics. Who the hell is going to know? But noooooooo. That’s not good enough. Not going to happen. Your ego does not permit it (More on that later). Ah….portfolio complete. It wasn’t even that hard. Never even had to buy a camera or hire a model or makeup artist. It can be done all from the comfort of your basement enclave. Let’s take a look. Notice the four pictures highlighted in red? (click on image to enlarge)

Now that you’ve got your fake profile up with stolen pictures, you can go about chatting it up with the girls posing as an international commercial photographer. You might even be as bold as to issue a few casting calls. Of course, you can never follow through with any shoots or actually meet anyone. Remember, you’re not really a photographer. Maybe one day you’ll have enough balls to lure some newbie model to strip for you on web cam under the pretense of conducting an online audition. But for now, the best thing to do is to lay low because you don’t want to draw attention to yourself. A few days pass, maybe a few weeks. Now you’re getting bolder. I mean damn, you’ve been sending out friends requests like there’s no tomorrow. 700 friends in just over 60 days. That’s impressive considering you’re such a loser.

Two months pass and you’re bored. Hey, why not go on the forum and hand out some advice? I mean you’ve got street creed now that you have 700 friends and a plausible portfolio. Hmm…..what thread to hand out your wisdom? Well you know a little about scamming girls with web cams, why not put in your two cents on a thread about web cams. If only there was such a thread. Bingo! You find one. Let’s jump in. Nobody will notice you have a fake profile. After all, you’re smarter than everyone else. Here’s a good thread. What to post? How about something to further your agenda? Let’s try this:

Some reviews can be done via webcam. So I counter those who responded to the opposite. If travel is involved I have no objection to a photographer reviewing the models I represent via webcam under controlled situations. So not all webcam request are scams. Those that scream “scam” before they understand the situation are typically ill informed and have a preconceived notion of a situation under which they have very little facts.

OK, done. Let’s hope nobody notices your uber fake profile. Someone looking may see something odd about those bold claims without any tear sheets to back them up. They may also notice that your web link goes nowhere. Some might even notice that none of your photos list any credits of models you’ve worked with. No big deal. As long as you don’t make stupid statements like this:

Trust me, many large agencies and studios use webcam auditions.

Or send out private messages like this which may draw attention to yourself:

Iconix Studio03/30/08 3:40 PM
I’m a bit more professional then trying to get in to a verbal boxing match and credential comparison in a public forum. Obviously by the sheer number of forum post I can tell this is one of those “whose got the bigger cock” conversations.

I’m a little more focused in my work than to get suckered in to a pissing match. Thought you would have had more tact than that but I was wrong.

I mean that person you sent that message to might have a handy little Firefox plugin called Opanda IExif that allows him to look at the EXIF data of any images on a browser. That would suck if he did that and saw four images with exif data. I know this is probably going over your peanut size brain because you have no idea what exif is but just bare with me. What if the exif on two files actually was embedded with the real owner’s name on the images? Someone seeing that could easily tell that you were not the copyright holder. That would kind of suck. Well it wouldn’t be so bad if you had lifted some no name images but instead you stole some pictures from a real internationally published photographer. One who is a former model with tons of covers to her name. Remember back two months ago when you lifted some images from Zdenka Micka? She only has about 31,000 hits on Google. It’s not like she is well known or anything. Well it’s come back to bite you in the ass. Those two images now have her name embedded and you might as well put up a sign on your profile to say “I’m fake and a picture thief.” (click on image to enlarge)

So someone might see a bikini shot similar to the one you have in your portfolio on her site. In fact, it’s the same model wearing the same bikini. What a coincidence. It would suck if that image was in her Myspace page or in her book. Because that may subject you to much higher damages since the image is commercially viable. Someone might even email Zdenka at her Web site and tell her you’re using her images and she might send you a nasty PM or leave you a tag. After all, Zdenka has a profile on the same site where you created your fake profile douchebag! You’re probably thinking no big deal. You’ll just delete the images and delete her tag. Nobody will be the wiser and you can go about your merry way with your fake profile. Well that’s unless someone saved those images and captured the profile screen with another plugin called Screengrab. They might even host it on another site where you can’t delete it.

Buy hey, life is still good. It’s not like you have anyone else’s image on your portfolio that you are claiming as your own. You still have that great avatar with the man jumping. And this time, you checked the exif to make sure no owner tag is on there. But still, there’s all these keyword and phrases embedded like it was a stock image. Phrases like “Man jumping of joy” or “Beautiful nude body”. Surely no one can find these images in the trillions of images floating around the internet. What are the odds that it would get traced back to a stock photography site like Dreamstime where you may have bought it for 26 cents? You even got the nude image from the same site. But hey, maybe you bought those images and have the right to use them. Well it depends on the license grant you received when you may or may not have purchased the image. Maybe Francois etienne Du plessis of Pretoria, South Africa can shed some light on it since he is the owner of the jumping image.

Surely, it is against Model Mayhem’s TOS to us stock images and stolen images as your own. Hmm..that would be a problem. All that work, two months of begging for friends, all for nothing. And now everyone is going to know you’re a fraud and a thief. On top of that, your profile is going to get deleted and this lesson will get indexed by search engines all over the world. That would really suck.

My name is Pat and you suck at faking an online profile.