Do you want fries with that?

I just had the most ridiculous exchange with a tech at my web host. It’s part of a long support thread about getting my websites’ cpu usage down. I have a shared plan and vps and dedicated plans are much more expensive.

Host: As your joint efforts left no stone unturned to bring the usage levels down to acceptable limits, but still the statistics are little higher than acceptable limits. With these statistics, I can ask my supervisor for approval to upgrade the account to VPS or you may choose for Dedicated server. Can you please advise if I can proceed with the same as current levels are not acceptable for shared environment.

Me: I’m not sure what you are suggesting. The level of traffic does not justify paying for a dedicated server and I will change host before paying for a vps plan.If you’re suggesting getting approval to move to a vps plan while charging me for a shared plan, of course I will have no objections. If paying for an upgrade was an option, this support thread would not be at 191 replies.

Host: Normally the account with high usage are only considered for dedicated upgrades. As your account’s usage levels are little higher than acceptable limits, I can ask my supervisor for the approval of VPS plan if you wish to upgrade. However, if shared plan is your only choice, we would ask you to please with some further checks into ensuring that your account goes down within the limits.

Me: I don’t understand why you are talking about vps plans as requiring approval. If I am willing to pay for an upgrade, why would I require approval?

Host: Please understand that any shared account with high usage is only considered for dedicated plan upgrades. However, as your efforts have bought large reduction in usage statistics, VPS upgrade can be considered with the approval of supervisor. Please advise if I can proceed with the same.

Me: Maybe I’m the one having trouble understanding. Are you telling me that if your supervisor agrees, you can upgrade me to the vps plan at no additional cost? If so, upgrade away.If not and I have to pay for it, why would I need approval?

Host: We apologize for any misunderstanding. The upgrade fee can not be waived off. If you do not wish to upgrade, we will ask you to please continue optimizing your scripts so as to bring the usage levels down to acceptable limits.

Me: I don’t know where you are located but I assume you have a McDonalds nearby. If you go into McDonalds and order a burger, the order taker might ask you if you want fries with that? If you say yes, you pay for the fries and you get the fries. The order taker does not ask you if you want fries with that and then go ask her manager for approval to sell you the fries.